Watching the churches roll out again

 I know it has been a long time since I "composed" anything, but the recent departure of 40% of UMC churches in southern Georgia triggered a memory of an old Otis Redding song which I updated for this new religious split.

Sittin' in the mornin' sun
I'll be sittin' when the evenin' comes
Watching the churches roll in
Then I watch 'em roll away again, yeah

I'm sittin' on the dock of the lake
Watchin' the churches roll away, ooh
I'm just sittin' on the dock of the lake
Wastin' time

They left the UMC in Georgia
Headed for a better way
The UMC has got nothin' to live for
It look like nothin's gonna come its way

I'm sittin' on the dock of the lake
Watchin' the churches roll away, ooh
I'm just sittin' on the dock of the lake
Wastin' time

Look like nothin's gonna change the UMC
Everything still remains the same
They won't listen to the Word of God
So I guess they'll just fade away, yeah

Sittin' here watdhin the wave
That the Lord is callin' his way
I know they won't long roam
Cause in Jesus they've got a home

I'm sittin' on the dock of the lake
Watchin' the churches roll away, ooh
I'm just sittin' on the dock of the lake
Wastin' time

Don't Lock Me Down

 Yes, it has been a long time since I have posted a little ditty. I have been stuck on a liner that no port would allow to dock. A few of us lowered a lifeboat late one night, and after evading the Coast Guard, we made shore and barely avoided a government imposed quarantine. Now, I find myself unable to perform my music due to a shutdown of the arts and I am under a lockdown. 

This came to mind sung to the tune of "Don't Bring Me Down".

Sittin' at home goin' out of my mind

You got me jobless,  I'm on my last dime

Don't lock me down

Refrain: 

No, no, no, no, no

Ooh-ooh-hoo

I'll tell you once more before I get off the floor

Don't lock me down

Okay for you to eat out with your fancy friends

I'm tellin' you, it's got to end

Don't lock me down

Refrain

Don't lock me down, Gov 

Don't lock me down, Gov

Don't lock me down, Gov

Don't lock me down

What happened to the smiling politician I put up there?

You sold your soul to the Devil somewhere

Don't lock me down

Refrain

You're always talkin' 'bout what you think is right

One of these days, we're gonna have to fight

Don't lock me down

Refrain

Don't lock me down, Gov 

Don't lock me down, Gov

Don't lock me down, Gov

Don't lock me down

You're lookin' good, just like a snake in the grass

One of these days, we're gonna break your ass

Don't lock me down

Refrain

You got me starvin', got me wastin' away

You got me crawlin' up the walls everyday

Don't lock me down

Refrain

"Marriage and Baptism Go Together"

As an observer from my ACNA lifeboat, I get to witness to the death throes of the S.S. Episcopal with every passing piece of flotsam and jetsam that drifts by carried on the waves of the internet.

Most recently, Jeff Walton at the IRD reported the dramatic drop in marriages and baptisms being broadcast by that sinking ship.

While it may make sense to most of us that Christian Marriage should lead to children which should lead to Baptism and little Christians who grow up to be big Christians who marry and have more children and therefore more baptisms, this common sense seems to have escaped Episcopalians who have abandoned Christian marriage for either hooking up,  "Holy Shacking Up", or same-sex marriage, none of which are advised by our Lord, and all of which will lead to the declines seen in the graphs pictured above.

Every time my friend the UndergroundPewster points out that Episcopalians need to repent and try to follow our Lord's desires for us, he/she gets slammed by someone calling themselves "Anonymous" who simply refuses to accept that the denominational ship is going down because it has gone off the course God charted for it long ago.

Watching the disaster unfold, I penned the following, 

With apologies to Apologies to  James Van Heusen and Sammy Cahn,

"Marriage and Baptism Go Together" 

Marriage and Baptism, Marriage and Baptism, go together it's common wisdom, known for generations, but lost on Episcopalians. 

Try, try, try to explain to them, and they'll say its evolution. Try, try, try and you will only add to their confusion. 

Marriage and Baptism, Marriage and Baptism have gone the way of Confirmation. Like the Catechism also, Gone the way of the dodo. 

Try, try, try to explain to them, and they'll say its evolution. Try, try, try and you will only add to their confusion. 

Marriage and Baptism, Marriage and Baptism, declines Episcopalians cannot fathom, let me tell you brothers (and sisters) you can't have one without the other.

T.E.c, T.E.c., T.E.c., yeah T.E.c....

Recently the bishops of The Episcopal Church came to Alaska to listen to the earth and its peoples as an act of prayer, solidarity and witness (received via communique).  They inspired me to get out of my hammock and come up on deck to pen this parody.

With apologies to Sir Paul,

When I find myself in cold Alaska, mother Gaia comes to me, Speaking words of Sophia, T.E.c.And in the hours of darknessShe is liturgically dancing right in front of me,Speaking words of Sophia, T.E.c.

T.E.c., T.E.c.,T.E.c., T.E.c.,Speaking words of Sophia, T.E.c.

And when the congregation nodding numbly with the sermon agree, the pews will be half empty, T.E.c.

For though they may depart never more for us to see, the church will be cleaner without them, TEc.

T.E.c., T.E.c.,T.E.c., yeah T.E.c.,Speaking words of Sophia, T.E.c.

O' Solstice Tree, O' Solstice Tree

Some Christian churches have been offering special services for the winter solstice, and this parody based on "O' Tannenbaum" just popped into my mind and onto these pages.

Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We celebrate the darkness.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We celebrate the darkness.
We come to thee on bended knee
to mistakenly worship thee
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We celebrate the darkness.

Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
You mark the days and time for me.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
You mark the days and time for me.
The shortest day has come our way,
We see by where your shadows lay.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
You mark the days and time for me.

Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We walk around your branches.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We walk around your branches.
A labyrinth stroll will pave the way
to see you on the shortest day.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We walk around your branches.

Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
paganly we worship thee,
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
paganly we worship thee.
With candles in hand we dance around
and make your roots our holy ground
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
paganly we worship thee.

Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We celebrate the darkness.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We celebrate the darkness.
Our druid priests' nocturnal walk
Will make the sleeping fundies balk
at us for bowing down to honor thee
our dear beloved solstice tree.

I'm Glad I'm Not Episcopalian Anymore

For my friend the Undergroundpewster,

The other night I was relaxing and watching that old musical, "Gigi" when Maurice Chevalier's rendition of "I'm Glad I'm Not Young Anymore" made me think about my younger days as an Episcopalian. Something about the lyrics called for a parody.


I'M GLAD I'M NOT YOUNG ANYMORE
From "Gigi" (1958)
(Lyrics : Alan Jay Lerner / Music : Frederick Loewe)

Here goes nuthin!


Poor boy! Poor boy!
Down-hearted and depressed and in a spin
Poor boy! Poor boy!
Oh, the Episcopal Church can really do a fellow in!

How lovely to sit here in the shade
With none of the woes of clergy or lay
I'm glad I'm not Episcopalian anymore

The rivalries that don't exist at all
The feelings you're about to fall
I'm glad that I'm not Episcopalian anymore

No more confusion
No Sunday sermon surprise
No self-delusion
When you're hearing those lies
That the Bible isn't wise

Praying the tithers come through the door
The denomination needs forevermore
Forevermore is shorter than before
Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not Episcopalian anymore

The tiny revisions that torture you
The fear that your Lord won't like them too
I'm glad I'm not Episcopalian anymore

The longing to end the stale affair
Until you find out TEC doesn't care
I'm glad that I'm not Episcopalian anymore

No more frustration
No church shopper am I
No aggravation
Just one reluctant reply
"TEC, goodbye!"

The Labyrinth has lost its paint
Cranmer is still my patron saint
I've never been so comfortable before
Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not Episcopalian anymore

A Wandering Pewster I

My poor friend the Undergroundpewster has been wandering about in different Anglican circles the past couple of months, and I do wish the pewster finds a safe harbor in which to anchor. Inspired by the problem of lost Anglicans, I offer up this take on Arthur Sullivan's "A Wandering Minstrel I" from the "Mikado."

A wandering pewster I —
A thing of lowly aspirations,
For hymns, anthems, and sermons,
Some loved and some endured.
My catalogue is complete,
Though my passion was raging,
With each doctrinal changing
I just shifted my tired seat!
I just shifted my tired seat!

Are you in sentimental mood?
I'll sigh with you,
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
On priestess' coldness do you brood?
I'll do so, too —
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
I'll charm your willing ears
With blogs of Anglican fears,
While sympathetic tears
My cheeks bedew —
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!

But if evangelistic sentiment is wanted,
I've  hymns and prayer books true and tried;
For where'er our pewsitters' rear may be planted,
The false teachers are defied!
Then new pewsters, in serried ranks assembled,
Will ever share the Gospel News
And I shouldn't be surprised if 815 trembled
Watching the mighty troops leaving the pews.

(Chorus:)
We shouldn't be surprised if 815 trembled
Trembled with alarm
Watching the mighty troops leaving the pews.

(Pewster)
And if you call for the Holy See,
We'll heave the thurible round,
With a yeo heave ho, for the incense is free,
Her chain's a-trip and her censer's a-fire,
Hurrah for the Tiber bound!

(Chorus:)
Yeo-ho — heave ho —
Hurrah for the Tiber bound!

(Pewster)
To sit quietly as the revisionist priest
Tickles the congo's taste,
But the happiest hour a pewster sees
Is when he's found
Amongst a faithful crowd,
With his Bible in his hands, yeo ho!
And his knees firmly on the ground!

(Chorus:)
Then man the pews — off we go,
As the thurifer swings us round,
With a yeo heave ho,
And a boat boy below,
Hurrah for the Tiber bound!
With a yeo heave ho,
And a boat boy below,
Hurrah for the Tiber bound!

Yeo-ho, heave ho,
Yeo-ho, heave ho,
Heave ho, heave ho, yeo-ho!

(Pewster)
A wandering pewster I —
A thing of lowly aspirations,
For hymns, anthems, and sermons,
Some loved and some endured.

(Chorus:)
Some loved and some endured
A teary eyed goodbye,
Goodbye! Goodby!