Tuesday, October 2, 2018

"Marriage and Baptism Go Together"

As an observer from my ACNA lifeboat, I get to witness to the death throes of the S.S. Episcopal with every passing piece of flotsam and jetsam that drifts by carried on the waves of the internet.

Most recently, Jeff Walton at the IRD reported the dramatic drop in marriages and baptisms being broadcast by that sinking ship.





While it may make sense to most of us that Christian Marriage should lead to children which should lead to Baptism and little Christians who grow up to be big Christians who marry and have more children and therefore more baptisms, this common sense seems to have escaped Episcopalians who have abandoned Christian marriage for either hooking up,  "Holy Shacking Up", or same-sex marriage, none of which are advised by our Lord, and all of which will lead to the declines seen in the graphs pictured above.

Every time my friend the UndergroundPewster points out that Episcopalians need to repent and try to follow our Lord's desires for us, he/she gets slammed by someone calling themselves "Anonymous" who simply refuses to accept that the denominational ship is going down because it has gone off the course God charted for it long ago.

Watching the disaster unfold, I penned the following, 

With apologies to Apologies to  James Van Heusen and Sammy Cahn,
"Marriage and Baptism Go Together" 
Marriage and Baptism, Marriage and Baptism, go together it's common wisdom, known for generations, but lost on Episcopalians. 
Try, try, try to explain to them, and they'll say its evolution. Try, try, try and you will only add to their confusion. 
Marriage and Baptism, Marriage and Baptism have gone the way of Confirmation. Like the Catechism also, Gone the way of the dodo. 
Try, try, try to explain to them, and they'll say its evolution. Try, try, try and you will only add to their confusion. 
Marriage and Baptism, Marriage and Baptism, declines Episcopalians cannot fathom, let me tell you brothers (and sisters) you can't have one without the other.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

T.E.c, T.E.c., T.E.c., yeah T.E.c....

Recently the bishops of The Episcopal Church came to Alaska to listen to the earth and its peoples as an act of prayer, solidarity and witness (received via communique).  They inspired me to get out of my hammock and come up on deck to pen this parody.

With apologies to Sir Paul,

When I find myself in cold Alaska, mother Gaia comes to me, Speaking words of Sophia, T.E.c.And in the hours of darknessShe is liturgically dancing right in front of me,Speaking words of Sophia, T.E.c.
T.E.c., T.E.c.,T.E.c., T.E.c.,Speaking words of Sophia, T.E.c.
And when the congregation nodding numbly with the sermon agree, the pews will be half empty, T.E.c.
For though they may depart never more for us to see, the church will be cleaner without them, TEc.
T.E.c., T.E.c.,T.E.c., yeah T.E.c.,Speaking words of Sophia, T.E.c.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

O' Solstice Tree, O' Solstice Tree

Some Christian churches have been offering special services for the winter solstice, and this parody based on "O' Tannenbaum" just popped into my mind and onto these pages.

Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We celebrate the darkness.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We celebrate the darkness.
We come to thee on bended knee
to mistakenly worship thee
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We celebrate the darkness.

Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
You mark the days and time for me.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
You mark the days and time for me.
The shortest day has come our way,
We see by where your shadows lay.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
You mark the days and time for me.

Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We walk around your branches.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We walk around your branches.
A labyrinth stroll will pave the way
to see you on the shortest day.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We walk around your branches.

Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
paganly we worship thee,
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
paganly we worship thee.
With candles in hand we dance around
and make your roots our holy ground
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
paganly we worship thee.

Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We celebrate the darkness.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree
We celebrate the darkness.
Our druid priests' nocturnal walk
Will make the sleeping fundies balk
at us for bowing down to honor thee
our dear beloved solstice tree.




Tuesday, April 19, 2016

I'm Glad I'm Not Episcopalian Anymore


For my friend the Undergroundpewster,

The other night I was relaxing and watching that old musical, "Gigi" when Maurice Chevalier's rendition of "I'm Glad I'm Not Young Anymore" made me think about my younger days as an Episcopalian. Something about the lyrics called for a parody.


I'M GLAD I'M NOT YOUNG ANYMORE
From "Gigi" (1958)
(Lyrics : Alan Jay Lerner / Music : Frederick Loewe)

Here goes nuthin!


Poor boy! Poor boy!
Down-hearted and depressed and in a spin
Poor boy! Poor boy!
Oh, the Episcopal Church can really do a fellow in!

How lovely to sit here in the shade
With none of the woes of clergy or lay
I'm glad I'm not Episcopalian anymore

The rivalries that don't exist at all
The feelings you're about to fall
I'm glad that I'm not Episcopalian anymore

No more confusion
No Sunday sermon surprise
No self-delusion
When you're hearing those lies
That the Bible isn't wise

Praying the tithers come through the door
The denomination needs forevermore
Forevermore is shorter than before
Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not Episcopalian anymore

The tiny revisions that torture you
The fear that your Lord won't like them too
I'm glad I'm not Episcopalian anymore

The longing to end the stale affair
Until you find out TEC doesn't care
I'm glad that I'm not Episcopalian anymore

No more frustration
No church shopper am I
No aggravation
Just one reluctant reply
"TEC, goodbye!"

The Labyrinth has lost its paint
Cranmer is still my patron saint
I've never been so comfortable before
Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not Episcopalian anymore



Tuesday, February 23, 2016

A Wandering Pewster I

My poor friend the Undergroundpewster has been wandering about in different Anglican circles the past couple of months, and I do wish the pewster finds a safe harbor in which to anchor. Inspired by the problem of lost Anglicans, I offer up this take on Arthur Sullivan's "A Wandering Minstrel I" from the "Mikado."

A wandering pewster I —
A thing of lowly aspirations,
For hymns, anthems, and sermons,
Some loved and some endured.
My catalogue is complete,
Though my passion was raging,
With each doctrinal changing
I just shifted my tired seat!
I just shifted my tired seat!

Are you in sentimental mood?
I'll sigh with you,
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
On priestess' coldness do you brood?
I'll do so, too —
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
I'll charm your willing ears
With blogs of Anglican fears,
While sympathetic tears
My cheeks bedew —
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!

But if evangelistic sentiment is wanted,
I've  hymns and prayer books true and tried;
For where'er our pewsitters' rear may be planted,
The false teachers are defied!
Then new pewsters, in serried ranks assembled,
Will ever share the Gospel News
And I shouldn't be surprised if 815 trembled
Watching the mighty troops leaving the pews.

(Chorus:)
We shouldn't be surprised if 815 trembled
Trembled with alarm
Watching the mighty troops leaving the pews.

(Pewster)
And if you call for the Holy See,
We'll heave the thurible round,
With a yeo heave ho, for the incense is free,
Her chain's a-trip and her censer's a-fire,
Hurrah for the Tiber bound!

(Chorus:)
Yeo-ho — heave ho —
Hurrah for the Tiber bound!

(Pewster)
To sit quietly as the revisionist priest
Tickles the congo's taste,
But the happiest hour a pewster sees
Is when he's found
Amongst a faithful crowd,
With his Bible in his hands, yeo ho!
And his knees firmly on the ground!

(Chorus:)
Then man the pews — off we go,
As the thurifer swings us round,
With a yeo heave ho,
And a boat boy below,
Hurrah for the Tiber bound!
With a yeo heave ho,
And a boat boy below,
Hurrah for the Tiber bound!

Yeo-ho, heave ho,
Yeo-ho, heave ho,
Heave ho, heave ho, yeo-ho!

(Pewster)
A wandering pewster I —
A thing of lowly aspirations,
For hymns, anthems, and sermons,
Some loved and some endured.

(Chorus:)
Some loved and some endured
A teary eyed goodbye,
Goodbye! Goodby!

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Babes in Episcopal Land


As I prayed for those attending Christmas services at their Episcopal churches this year, my soul hearkened back to the Episcopal Church of my youth.

With apologies to Glenn MacDonough and Victor Herbert, and their 1903 operetta "Babes in Toyland", I offer up the following,


When you've grown up my dears,
And are as old as I,
You'll often ponder on the years
That roll so swiftly by, my dears,
That roll so swiftly by.
And of the many Christian lands,
You will have journeyed through,
You'll oft recall
The best of all,
The Christian land your childhood knew!
Your childhood knew.

Chorus:
Episcopal land, Episcopal land
Wonderful all is well land
While you dwelt within it,
You were ignorant and happy then.
Revisionists’ joy-land.
Gay and faerie church land,
Once you pass it’s borders,
You will never return again.

When you've grown up, my dears,
There comes a dreary day.
When 'mid the locks of black appears
The first pale gleam of gray, my dears,
The first pale gleam of gray.
Then of the past you'll dream
As gray-haired grown-ups do,
And seek once more
Its phantom shore,
The church your childhood knew!
Your childhood knew.  Chorus

Chorus:
Episcopal land, Episcopal land
Wonderful all is well land
While you dwelt within it,
You were ignorant and happy then.
Revisionists’ joy-land.
Gay and faerie church land,
Once you pass it’s borders,
You will never return again.

Monday, November 30, 2015

On the Good Ship T.E.C.

(Apologies to "The Good Ship Lollipop" - music by R. Whiting and words by S. Clare)

I've thrown away my Bible
Even my pipe organ..
I wanna make some noise
With real live progressive services.
Some day I'm going to rock.
This church'll be a new incarnation.
And when I do, how would you
Like to be in my congregation...

On the good ship T.E.C..
Its a sweet trip baby you and me
Where gay priests sing
Of the glories of 815.

Coffee hour stands everywhere.
Cheese Doodle bands fill the air.
And there you are
Happy landing on a lemon square.

See the punch bowl do the fudge roll
With the mythological devils food cake.
If you think too much ooh ooh
You'll awake with a theological ache.

On the good ship T.E.C.
Its a night trip into bed you'll see
With two, three, or more if needs be
On the good ship T.E.C.