Sunday, March 9, 2014

Your Labyrinth Won't Get You Into Heaven Anymore

I filled in for my friend the Undergroundpewster who had a dizzy spell today and was unable to keep up with his usual twice weekly blog over at "Not Another Episcopal Church Blog". Before spinning out, UGP asked my opinion on the following announcement in his parish newsletter,  
THE FIRST SUNDAY IN LENT March 9 
"The Labyrinth will be set up in the Parish Hall during both coffee hours. Everyone is invited to walk the Labyrinth and experience a quiet time of prayer and resolve...  The Labyrinth is an archetype, a divine imprint, found in all religious traditions in various forms around the world. It has only one path, so there are no tricks to it and no dead ends. The path winds around and doubles back on itself, becoming a mirror for where we are in our lives, a metaphor for our spiritual journey; it touches our sorrows and releases our joys. The pathway in and the pathway out are the same; only the pilgrim has changed in the process."
That had Lent written all over it. I could hardly wait to see what the second week in Lent has in store for the poor pewster. Feeling inspired, I composed a little song based loosely on something John Prine once wrote. I call it, "Your Labyrinth Won't Get You Into Heaven Anymore."

 While pickin up the Sunday bulletin
As I walked in the church door,
A little card with a spiral on the front
Fell out on the floor.
Well, I picked it up, and I ran inside
Sat right down on my pew,
And I can't wait to pass the peace
To tell folks what to do.

 Chorus:
But your labyrinth won't get you Into Heaven anymore.
All that spiraling inward
Won't open Heaven's door.
Keep your eyes on Jesus,
And off those patterns on the floor.
No your labyrinth won't get you Into Heaven anymore.

 Well, I went to the church this morning,
And the priestess said to me,
If you pay your Episcopal pledge,
We'll let you run around the labyrinth for free.
Well I didn't mess around one bit,
I took her up on what she said.
And I went into the parish hall
With a blessing on my forehead.

 Chorus:
But your labyrinth won't get you Into Heaven anymore.
All that spiraling inward
Won't open Heaven's door.
Keep your eyes on Jesus,
And off those patterns on the floor.
No your labyrinth won't get you Into Heaven anymore.

Well, I went round and round that thing
So many times I couldn't see.
I went into a seizure,
That the folks thought was ecstasy.
I lost control and fell down hard
Right onto my head.
By the time they got the priestess down I was already dead
And I'll never understand
 Why the man Standing at the pearly gates said,

 Chorus:
But your labyrinth won't get you Into Heaven anymore.
All that spiraling inward
Won't open Heaven's door.
Keep your eyes on Jesus,
And off those patterns on the floor.
No your labyrinth won't get you Into Heaven anymore.

Thanks John!

Monday, October 21, 2013

Bless 'Em All

Of all the variations of this old wartime song, I guess I remember this one the best,

Bless ‘em all... .Bless ‘em all...
the long and the short and the tall.
Bless all the Blondies and all the brunettes,
each man is happy to take what he gets,
so we’re giving the eye to them all.
To those who attract and appall,
each Sally and Susie you can’t be too choosy,
so cheer up my lads, Bless ‘em all!

As I try to plot the course of the Episcopal church after its decision to bless same sex unions, I wonder when the same rationale that led to the church's decision might be applied to other things that the church previously held to be sinful. It seems to me that the human emotional perception of love is the common denominator that others will have to emphasize if and when their turn comes around to have their particular sin blessed by the church. Greed, Lust, Sloth, Pride, Envy, Wrath, Gluttony, I am certain that love will find a way to argue for at least one of these to obtain the church's blessing.

Let me deliver the first broadside,

Bless ‘em all... .Bless ‘em all...
the greedy, the fat and slothful.
Bless all the lusties and all of the proud,
each one is happy to praise it out loud,
so we’re giving the eye to them all.
To sins that attract and appall,
each envious eyeful, you can’t be too wrathful,
so cheer up my Church, Bless ‘em all!


Thursday, September 5, 2013

I am the U.T.O. (United Thank Offering) Man, I am the Walrus

This past week signals were flashed from Fr. Tim Fountain at StandFirm in Faith that the United Thank Offering (U.T.O.) board at the Episcopal Church had abandoned ship en-masse as the U.T.O. was assimilated by the Chief Operating Officer (C.O.O.) of the Church, Bishop Stacy Sauls who is quoted as saying, 
“We, DFMS (The Episcopal Church, also known as DFMS the Domestic and Foreign Missionary Society), are the United Thank Offering and the United Thank Offering is DFMS.” 
I couldn't help it, but every time the S.S. TEC steers itself into another iceberg I feel a song coming on...

I am he as you are he as you are me
And we are all together
See how they split like dogs on a spit see how they fry
I'm smiling.
Sitting on a nest egg, waiting for the bucks to flow
Trad-i-piskie collars, stupid bloody Fountains
Man you been a naughty boy. You let your Facebook know
I am the UTO-man, they were the UTO-women
I am the walrus, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop
Rainbow stoled clergy, pretty little clergy all in a row
See how they whine like players on the pine, see how they whine
I'm smiling, I'm smiling
I'm smiling, I'm smiling
Legacy income dripping from dead pewsitters' eyes
Man turned Bishwife, porn peddling Priestess
Boys you became naughty girls, you let your Saviour down
I am the UTO-man, they were the UTO-women
I am the walrus, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop  
Sitting in an Episcopal labyrinth waiting for the funds
If the funds don't come You'll get sued for standing against her righteous reign 
I am the UTO-man, they were the UTO-women I am the walrus, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop 
Can-on-text-pert-chok-ing-coll-ars
Don't you think the P.B. laughs at you? (Ha ha ha! Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha!)
See how they smile like pigs in a sty, see how they snied
I'm smiling
Sexual innovations climbing from the HoD
Left coast Bishops singing Hare Krishna, man you should have seen them kicking Mark Joseph Lawrence's town
I am the UTO-man, they were the UTO-women I am the walrus, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop C.O.O. Cooooooooooo scoopa scoopa scoopa scoopa scoopa scoopa scoopa scoopa

Monday, August 19, 2013

The Sweetheart Free

The Huff Post carried the following story recently,
"With precious time remaining before the health care exchanges established by the president’s health care law are up and running, the Obama administration is rolling out new initiatives to encourage enrollment. The latest of these is set to be unveiled on Monday, when the Department of Health and Human Services will debut a video contest — complete with cash prizes — designed to persuade younger consumers to get insurance."
Having recently watched Natalie Wood sing "The Sweetheart Tree" or "There is a Tree in the Forest", I have decided to enter the contest. I have tastefully adapted the lyrics as follows,
They say there's something free in insurance  
Something free that you'll get when you sign 
Come along to the Obamacare dance 
Come and carve your name next to mine  
They say if you kiss up to the right politician  
The one you've been waiting for all this time 
Big bundles of green will burst into sight  
And his love will be yours evermore.
Now if I can only find a girl who looks like Natalie Wood to help me make the video.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

The Midnight Train to Gomorrah

With the recent news that the Bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Upper South Carolina, Andrew Waldo, is going to permit same-sex blessings in some of his churches, and knowing that the bishop fancies himself as a railroad historian and train buff, guess which song came to mind?

Temptation proved too much for the man,
So he's leavin' the Gospel he used to know,
He said he's goin' out to find
Ooh, what's new in this world.
The Word he's left behind
Not so long ago.

He's leaving,
On that midnight train to Gomorrah,
And he's goin' out to find
Ooh, what's new in this world
And I won't be with him
On that midnight train to Gomorrah,
I'd rather live with the Word
Than live without it in that world.

He kept dreamin' That someday he'd be an HoB star.
But he sure found out the hard way That dreams don't always come true.
So he pawned his faith, and he even sold his beliefs
Bought a one way ticket
Away from the Lord he once knew, Oh yes he did,

He said he would Be leavin
On that midnight train to Gomorrah,
And he's goin' out to find
Ooh, what's new in this world
And I won't be with him On that midnight train to Gomorrah,
I'd rather live with the Word
Than live without it in that world.

All aboard, All aboard, All aboard the midnight train.
All aboard, All aboard, All aboard the midnight train.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Springtime for Schori and T.E.C.


T.E.C. was having trouble, what a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader to restore its former glory
Where, Oh where was she? Where could that woman be?
We looked around and then we found
The woman for you and me.
And now it's..

Springtime for Schori and T.E.C.
Churchland is happy and gay
Don't listen to naysayers who claim
We're headed for the Judgement Day!

Springtime for Schori and T.E.C.
Winter for you and for me.
Springtime for Schori and T.E.C.
You'd better hold onto your money....

I was born in Pensacola, and that is why I'm on a roll-ah.
Don't be stupid, be a smarty, come and join our inclusive party.

Springtime for Schori and T.E.C.
Lockstep's the new step today
Title IV charges from her office again
815 is on the rise again

Springtime for Schori and T.E.C.
Entire Dioceses are sailing away...

Springtime for Schori and T.E.C.
Means those pesky conservatives are going
They've got to be going
You know they'll be going today!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

I Want a God Who Cain't Say No


It ain't so much a question of prayin' what to do

I knowed what's right an' wrong since I've been ten
I've heard a lot of stories and I reckon they're true
About how gods are put upon by men
I know I musn't fall into the pit
But when I'm into sinnin',
I ferget!

I want a God who cain't say no
I'm in a terrible fix
I always say 'come on, let's go'
But your God just wants to say 'nix'

When a priest goes to bless a sin
that he was taught he oughta smack,
He needs to turn my God on
Who is sure to bless him back!

My God's cool when candles are low
He cain't be prissy an' quaint
He ain't goin to tell me to go slow
How can I be what I ain't
He cain't say no

Watcha gonna do when temptation comes a knockin
And yer heart goes to flip floppin,
Whatcha gonna do?
Supposin you obey
The urges that are a risin'
Or wants or desirins'
Whatcha gonna do?

Supposin the heart says
To eat ice cream
Or else yer gonna scream an' die
Whatcha gonna do when it talks that way?
Tell it yer goin' to eat pie?

I want a God who cain't say no
Cain't seem to say it at all
He hates to disserpoint us all.
When we is prayin' for a ball!

Fer a while I act refined and cool
A settin on the velveteen setee
Then I think of breakin' some rule
An' remember that my God lets me!

I cain't resist a drink or two
an' I ain't talking 'bout tea.
Soon as I start lickin' my lips
I pray for God to guide me
He cain't say no!

I want a God who cain't say no.
Guilt-free's my favorite food
With or without the carbs you know
I'm in a gluttonous mood!

Other Gods are hard to catch
But with them you ain't havin' much fun
Every time I have mine in a wrastlin' match
I git a funny feeling that I won

Since I cain't feel the undertoe
I never have a complaint
It's never time for restraint
'Cause when you know that I cain't
He cain't say no!


Apologies to Oscar Hammerstein II
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