Tuesday, April 19, 2016

I'm Glad I'm Not Episcopalian Anymore


For my friend the Undergroundpewster,

The other night I was relaxing and watching that old musical, "Gigi" when Maurice Chevalier's rendition of "I'm Glad I'm Not Young Anymore" made me think about my younger days as an Episcopalian. Something about the lyrics called for a parody.


I'M GLAD I'M NOT YOUNG ANYMORE
From "Gigi" (1958)
(Lyrics : Alan Jay Lerner / Music : Frederick Loewe)

Here goes nuthin!


Poor boy! Poor boy!
Down-hearted and depressed and in a spin
Poor boy! Poor boy!
Oh, the Episcopal Church can really do a fellow in!

How lovely to sit here in the shade
With none of the woes of clergy or lay
I'm glad I'm not Episcopalian anymore

The rivalries that don't exist at all
The feelings you're about to fall
I'm glad that I'm not Episcopalian anymore

No more confusion
No Sunday sermon surprise
No self-delusion
When you're hearing those lies
That the Bible isn't wise

Praying the tithers come through the door
The denomination needs forevermore
Forevermore is shorter than before
Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not Episcopalian anymore

The tiny revisions that torture you
The fear that your Lord won't like them too
I'm glad I'm not Episcopalian anymore

The longing to end the stale affair
Until you find out TEC doesn't care
I'm glad that I'm not Episcopalian anymore

No more frustration
No church shopper am I
No aggravation
Just one reluctant reply
"TEC, goodbye!"

The Labyrinth has lost its paint
Cranmer is still my patron saint
I've never been so comfortable before
Oh, I'm so glad that I'm not Episcopalian anymore



Tuesday, February 23, 2016

A Wandering Pewster I

My poor friend the Undergroundpewster has been wandering about in different Anglican circles the past couple of months, and I do wish the pewster finds a safe harbor in which to anchor. Inspired by the problem of lost Anglicans, I offer up this take on Arthur Sullivan's "A Wandering Minstrel I" from the "Mikado."

A wandering pewster I —
A thing of lowly aspirations,
For hymns, anthems, and sermons,
Some loved and some endured.
My catalogue is complete,
Though my passion was raging,
With each doctrinal changing
I just shifted my tired seat!
I just shifted my tired seat!

Are you in sentimental mood?
I'll sigh with you,
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
On priestess' coldness do you brood?
I'll do so, too —
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
I'll charm your willing ears
With blogs of Anglican fears,
While sympathetic tears
My cheeks bedew —
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!

But if evangelistic sentiment is wanted,
I've  hymns and prayer books true and tried;
For where'er our pewsitters' rear may be planted,
The false teachers are defied!
Then new pewsters, in serried ranks assembled,
Will ever share the Gospel News
And I shouldn't be surprised if 815 trembled
Watching the mighty troops leaving the pews.

(Chorus:)
We shouldn't be surprised if 815 trembled
Trembled with alarm
Watching the mighty troops leaving the pews.

(Pewster)
And if you call for the Holy See,
We'll heave the thurible round,
With a yeo heave ho, for the incense is free,
Her chain's a-trip and her censer's a-fire,
Hurrah for the Tiber bound!

(Chorus:)
Yeo-ho — heave ho —
Hurrah for the Tiber bound!

(Pewster)
To sit quietly as the revisionist priest
Tickles the congo's taste,
But the happiest hour a pewster sees
Is when he's found
Amongst a faithful crowd,
With his Bible in his hands, yeo ho!
And his knees firmly on the ground!

(Chorus:)
Then man the pews — off we go,
As the thurifer swings us round,
With a yeo heave ho,
And a boat boy below,
Hurrah for the Tiber bound!
With a yeo heave ho,
And a boat boy below,
Hurrah for the Tiber bound!

Yeo-ho, heave ho,
Yeo-ho, heave ho,
Heave ho, heave ho, yeo-ho!

(Pewster)
A wandering pewster I —
A thing of lowly aspirations,
For hymns, anthems, and sermons,
Some loved and some endured.

(Chorus:)
Some loved and some endured
A teary eyed goodbye,
Goodbye! Goodby!

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Babes in Episcopal Land


As I prayed for those attending Christmas services at their Episcopal churches this year, my soul hearkened back to the Episcopal Church of my youth.

With apologies to Glenn MacDonough and Victor Herbert, and their 1903 operetta "Babes in Toyland", I offer up the following,


When you've grown up my dears,
And are as old as I,
You'll often ponder on the years
That roll so swiftly by, my dears,
That roll so swiftly by.
And of the many Christian lands,
You will have journeyed through,
You'll oft recall
The best of all,
The Christian land your childhood knew!
Your childhood knew.

Chorus:
Episcopal land, Episcopal land
Wonderful all is well land
While you dwelt within it,
You were ignorant and happy then.
Revisionists’ joy-land.
Gay and faerie church land,
Once you pass it’s borders,
You will never return again.

When you've grown up, my dears,
There comes a dreary day.
When 'mid the locks of black appears
The first pale gleam of gray, my dears,
The first pale gleam of gray.
Then of the past you'll dream
As gray-haired grown-ups do,
And seek once more
Its phantom shore,
The church your childhood knew!
Your childhood knew.  Chorus

Chorus:
Episcopal land, Episcopal land
Wonderful all is well land
While you dwelt within it,
You were ignorant and happy then.
Revisionists’ joy-land.
Gay and faerie church land,
Once you pass it’s borders,
You will never return again.

Monday, November 30, 2015

On the Good Ship T.E.C.

(Apologies to "The Good Ship Lollipop" - music by R. Whiting and words by S. Clare)

I've thrown away my Bible
Even my pipe organ..
I wanna make some noise
With real live progressive services.
Some day I'm going to rock.
This church'll be a new incarnation.
And when I do, how would you
Like to be in my congregation...

On the good ship T.E.C..
Its a sweet trip baby you and me
Where gay priests sing
Of the glories of 815.

Coffee hour stands everywhere.
Cheese Doodle bands fill the air.
And there you are
Happy landing on a lemon square.

See the punch bowl do the fudge roll
With the mythological devils food cake.
If you think too much ooh ooh
You'll awake with a theological ache.

On the good ship T.E.C.
Its a night trip into bed you'll see
With two, three, or more if needs be
On the good ship T.E.C.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Anything Goes!

Time for another re-write...

Times have changed,
And we've often rewound the clock,
Since the Puritans got a shock,
When they landed on Plymouth Rock.
If today,
Any shock they should try to stem,
'Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock,
Plymouth Rock would land on them.

In olden days a hint of sin
Was looked on as something that would do you in,
But now, God knows,
Anything Goes.

Good preachers too who once knew better words,
Now are free to use use four letter words
Preaching prose, Anything Goes.

The world has gone mad today
And good's bad today,
And black's white today,
And day's night today,
When most guys today
That women prize today
Are not guys at all
And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'd better take care to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes

When grandma whose age is eighty
Hangs out in clubs getting matey with ladies,
Anything Goes.

When mothers pack and leave their men
Because they decide they'd rather be lesbians,
Anything Goes.

If driving high you like,
If gay bars you like,
If old hims you like,
If bare feet you like,
If Miley Cyrus you like
Or me undressed you like,
Why, nobody will oppose!
When every night,
The set that's neat
Is dressing like a nudist party in heat,
Anything Goes.

If same-sex marriage you like,
If gender neutrality you like
If old queens you like,
If teenage trannies you like,
If love affairs you like
With young bears you like,
Why nobody will oppose!

And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'd better take care to answer
When you propose,
Anything goes


Monday, July 6, 2015

Revision!

One of the casualties of the secular and religious war on human sexuality will undoubtedly be all of those old films and songs that speak exclusively to heterosexual romance  and relationships.

I am afraid that "Fiddler on the Roof" will be corrected in the following manner (note that I had to create some neologisms here and there).

Revision, revision! Revision!
Revision, revision! Revision!

[The Pama and Mapa]
Who, day and night, must scramble for a living,
Feed a wife and children, say the daily prayers?
And who has the right, as sharer of the house,
To have the final word at home?

The Pama, the Mapa! Revision!
The Pama, the Mapa! Revision!

Who must know the way to make a proper home,
A quiet home, a kosher home?
Who must raise the family and run the home,
So Pama's free to run around?

The Pama, the Mapa! Revision!
The Pama, the Mapa! Revision!

[The Gender Undecided]
At three, I started public school. At ten, I learned I had a choice.
Someday I'll pick a partner for me. I hope it's pretty.

The dautson, the dautson! Revision!
The dautson, the dautson! Revision!

[The Trans]
And who does Mapa teach to mend and tend and fix,
Preparing me to marry whoever Pama picks?

The trans, the trans! Revision!
The trans, the trans! Revision!

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Should auld Articles be forgot, And Anglicans left a'dyne?

Should auld Articles be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld Articles be forgot,
And Anglicans left a'dyne?

For Anglicans left a'dyne, my dear,
For Anglicans left a'dyne,
They'll tak your cup o' kindness yet,
For Anglicans left a'dyne.

And surely ye'll believe your Bishop,
And surely I'll believe mine!
And we'll fight o'er a cup o' kindness yet,
For Anglicans a'dyne.

For Anglicans left a'dyne, my dear,
For Anglicans left a'dyne,
They'll tak your cup o' kindness yet,
For Anglicans left a'dyne.

We twa hae run about the courts,
And pu'd the canons fine;
But we've wandered far astray
Sin' Anglicans a'dyne.

For Anglicans left a'dyne, my dear,
For Anglicans left a'dyne,
They'll tak your cup o' kindness yet,
For Anglicans left a'dyne.

We twa hae paidled i' the blogs,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But schisms 'tween us braid hae roared
Sin' Anglicans are a'dyne.

For Anglicans left a'dyne, my dear,
For Anglicans left a'dyne,
They'll tak your cup o' kindness yet,
For Anglicans left a'dyne.

And there's a hand, my trusty foe,
And gie's a hand o' thine!
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught
For Anglicans a'dyne.

For Anglicans left a'dyne, my dear,
For Anglicans left a'dyne,
They'll tak your cup o' kindness yet,
For Anglicans left a'dyne.

With apologies to Auld Lang Syne a Christmas & New year poem by Robert Burns