Wednesday, September 24, 2014

+KJS' Departing Song: "Can't Help Leavin' Dat Church of Mine"

With the announcement by the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal church that she will not seek re-election came the inspiration for the following parody of "Can't Help Lovin That Man of Mine."
Fish got to swim, bishops got to fly,
I gotta quit, and I’ll tell you why.
Couldn't help ruinin that church of mine.
Tell me it’s lazy, tell me it’s po,
Tell me I'm crazy, (maybe I know).
Can't help leavin' dat Church of mine. 
Oh listen sister,
I love my position,
And I can't tell you' why
Dere ain't no reason
Why I should leave while I can,
It mus' be sumpin dat de angels done plan. 
Fish got to swim, bishops got to fly,
I gotta quit, and I’ll tell you why.
I couldn't stop  that ole church decline. 
Tell me it’s lazy, tell me it’s po,
Tell me I'm crazy, (maybe I know).
Can't help leavin' dat Church of mine.
When I goes away,
Dat's a rainy day,
And when somebody worse comes in dat day is fine,
De sun will shine!
The new one kin just follow my lead,
But 815 without me ain't no home to be,
He/She won't stop that ole church decline. 
De steeple's smokin'
De roof is leakin' in,
But I don't seem to care
‘Bout the damage I done.
Dere ain't nothin more that I can do.
And why do dey still love me?
It mus' be sumpin' dat de angels can see. 
Fish got to swim, bishops got to fly,
I gotta quit, and I’ll tell you why.
I couldn't stop that ole church decline.
Tell me it’s lazy, tell me it’s po,
Tell me I'm crazy, (maybe I know).
Can't help leavin' dat Church of mine. 
Dat Church of mine. She may be dyin',
Unwelcoming and cold,
Services slow as molasses, I know,
I could't stop that ole church decline. 
Can't help leavin' When I goes away
From dat Church of mine dat's dying
As I  goes away,
They’ll all be cryin.
For me to come back an' save da day…
Can't help leavin' dat Church of mine. 
Yes, sister Yes, sister
The gender confused kin come home
All are welcome, but where de rest done gone?
Church widout thou, Church widout thee,
Ain't nobody left to sue,  Ain't no money  for me,
Can't help leavin' Can't help leavin'
Dat church of mine.  Dat church of mine.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Every Pledge You Make... The P.B. Will Be Suing You

Recently, the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal organization ordered the remnant Episcopal group to keep on suing the departing Diocese of San Joaquin in a process that has been going on since 2008 (see the story at StandFirm in Faith).

One traditionalist in the Episcopal church suggested that people be made aware that pledge dollars are going to fund these lawsuits to the tune of millions of dollars, and that this is not the "mission" of the church.

My apologies to The Police and Sting, but please keep the tune to Every Breath You Take in mind when you sing this one.

Every pledge you make
Is a dollar I'll rake
A bond of affection I'll break
Another step I'll take
Towards suing you

Every check you pay
Is another way
To prolong the game I play
To keep my sheep from going astray
I'll be suing you

O can't you see
Your church belongs to me
How my poor heart aches with every step you take

Every move you make
Every canon you break
Every smile you fake
Every bank account you stake
I'll be suing you

Since South Carolina's gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see Mark Lawrence's face
I look around but it's the income I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your tax base
I keep crying baby, baby please

Every move you make
Every canon you break
Every smile you fake
Every bank account you stake
I'll be suing you


Friday, June 13, 2014

Relationship, Relationship Will Keep Us Together

The Bishop of Upper South Carolina is trying his hardest to plug the leaks in his diocese by pushing his "In Dialogue With Each Other: A Curriculum" (on same sex relationships) into the cracks that are appearing as two of his largest churches have already charted a different course. A lot of Episcopal clergymen are called "Father", but after reading Bishop Waldo's lame attempt to save a sinking denomination, "fothering" maybe a better description of the pastoral skill set of this typical Episcopal bishop.

If you are taking a long voyage this summer, bring a copy of the Bishop's work with you. Good luck if you do start taking on water because it appears that "relationship" is going to be the only tool you have going for you.

Relationship, relationship will keep us together
Think of it, babe, whenever
Some sweet talkin' blogger comes along
Singin' his song, don't mess around
You just got to be strong

Just pledge, 'cause I really relate to you
Pledge, I'll be thinking of you
Look in your pocketbook
And let relationship keep us together

You, you belong to me now
Ain't gonna set you free now
When those bloggers start
Posting around, talking me down
Hear with your heart and you won't hear a sound

Just pledge, 'cause I really relate to you
Pledge, I'll be thinkin' of you
Look in your pocketbook
And let relationship keep us together, whatever

Naive and dutiful
Someday your youth will be gone
When the Bible turns you off
Who'll be turnin' you on
I will, I will, I will

I will, be your bishop forever
Relationship will keep us together
I said it before and I'll say it again
While others contend,
I simply bend

Just pledge, 'cause I really relate to you
Pledge, I'll be thinking of you
Look in your pocketbook
And let relationship keep us together, whatever
I will, I will, I will, I will

You better pledge, 'cause I really relate to you
Pledge, I've been thinkin' of you
Look in your pocketbook
And let relationship keep us together, whatever
I will, I will, I will, I will

Apologies to Captain And Tennille

How long will it take before the fothering of this Episcopal ship fails and the diocese goes down to Davy Jones locker?  


Sunday, March 9, 2014

Your Labyrinth Won't Get You Into Heaven Anymore

I filled in for my friend the Undergroundpewster who had a dizzy spell today and was unable to keep up with his usual twice weekly blog over at "Not Another Episcopal Church Blog". Before spinning out, UGP asked my opinion on the following announcement in his parish newsletter,  
THE FIRST SUNDAY IN LENT March 9 
"The Labyrinth will be set up in the Parish Hall during both coffee hours. Everyone is invited to walk the Labyrinth and experience a quiet time of prayer and resolve...  The Labyrinth is an archetype, a divine imprint, found in all religious traditions in various forms around the world. It has only one path, so there are no tricks to it and no dead ends. The path winds around and doubles back on itself, becoming a mirror for where we are in our lives, a metaphor for our spiritual journey; it touches our sorrows and releases our joys. The pathway in and the pathway out are the same; only the pilgrim has changed in the process."
That had Lent written all over it. I could hardly wait to see what the second week in Lent has in store for the poor pewster. Feeling inspired, I composed a little song based loosely on something John Prine once wrote. I call it, "Your Labyrinth Won't Get You Into Heaven Anymore."

 While pickin up the Sunday bulletin
As I walked in the church door,
A little card with a spiral on the front
Fell out on the floor.
Well, I picked it up, and I ran inside
Sat right down on my pew,
And I can't wait to pass the peace
To tell folks what to do.

 Chorus:
But your labyrinth won't get you Into Heaven anymore.
All that spiraling inward
Won't open Heaven's door.
Keep your eyes on Jesus,
And off those patterns on the floor.
No your labyrinth won't get you Into Heaven anymore.

 Well, I went to the church this morning,
And the priestess said to me,
If you pay your Episcopal pledge,
We'll let you run around the labyrinth for free.
Well I didn't mess around one bit,
I took her up on what she said.
And I went into the parish hall
With a blessing on my forehead.

 Chorus:
But your labyrinth won't get you Into Heaven anymore.
All that spiraling inward
Won't open Heaven's door.
Keep your eyes on Jesus,
And off those patterns on the floor.
No your labyrinth won't get you Into Heaven anymore.

Well, I went round and round that thing
So many times I couldn't see.
I went into a seizure,
That the folks thought was ecstasy.
I lost control and fell down hard
Right onto my head.
By the time they got the priestess down I was already dead
And I'll never understand
 Why the man Standing at the pearly gates said,

 Chorus:
But your labyrinth won't get you Into Heaven anymore.
All that spiraling inward
Won't open Heaven's door.
Keep your eyes on Jesus,
And off those patterns on the floor.
No your labyrinth won't get you Into Heaven anymore.

Thanks John!

Monday, October 21, 2013

Bless 'Em All

Of all the variations of this old wartime song, I guess I remember this one the best,

Bless ‘em all... .Bless ‘em all...
the long and the short and the tall.
Bless all the Blondies and all the brunettes,
each man is happy to take what he gets,
so we’re giving the eye to them all.
To those who attract and appall,
each Sally and Susie you can’t be too choosy,
so cheer up my lads, Bless ‘em all!

As I try to plot the course of the Episcopal church after its decision to bless same sex unions, I wonder when the same rationale that led to the church's decision might be applied to other things that the church previously held to be sinful. It seems to me that the human emotional perception of love is the common denominator that others will have to emphasize if and when their turn comes around to have their particular sin blessed by the church. Greed, Lust, Sloth, Pride, Envy, Wrath, Gluttony, I am certain that love will find a way to argue for at least one of these to obtain the church's blessing.

Let me deliver the first broadside,

Bless ‘em all... .Bless ‘em all...
the greedy, the fat and slothful.
Bless all the lusties and all of the proud,
each one is happy to praise it out loud,
so we’re giving the eye to them all.
To sins that attract and appall,
each envious eyeful, you can’t be too wrathful,
so cheer up my Church, Bless ‘em all!


Thursday, September 5, 2013

I am the U.T.O. (United Thank Offering) Man, I am the Walrus

This past week signals were flashed from Fr. Tim Fountain at StandFirm in Faith that the United Thank Offering (U.T.O.) board at the Episcopal Church had abandoned ship en-masse as the U.T.O. was assimilated by the Chief Operating Officer (C.O.O.) of the Church, Bishop Stacy Sauls who is quoted as saying, 
“We, DFMS (The Episcopal Church, also known as DFMS the Domestic and Foreign Missionary Society), are the United Thank Offering and the United Thank Offering is DFMS.” 
I couldn't help it, but every time the S.S. TEC steers itself into another iceberg I feel a song coming on...

I am he as you are he as you are me
And we are all together
See how they split like dogs on a spit see how they fry
I'm smiling.
Sitting on a nest egg, waiting for the bucks to flow
Trad-i-piskie collars, stupid bloody Fountains
Man you been a naughty boy. You let your Facebook know
I am the UTO-man, they were the UTO-women
I am the walrus, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop
Rainbow stoled clergy, pretty little clergy all in a row
See how they whine like players on the pine, see how they whine
I'm smiling, I'm smiling
I'm smiling, I'm smiling
Legacy income dripping from dead pewsitters' eyes
Man turned Bishwife, porn peddling Priestess
Boys you became naughty girls, you let your Saviour down
I am the UTO-man, they were the UTO-women
I am the walrus, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop  
Sitting in an Episcopal labyrinth waiting for the funds
If the funds don't come You'll get sued for standing against her righteous reign 
I am the UTO-man, they were the UTO-women I am the walrus, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop 
Can-on-text-pert-chok-ing-coll-ars
Don't you think the P.B. laughs at you? (Ha ha ha! Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha!)
See how they smile like pigs in a sty, see how they snied
I'm smiling
Sexual innovations climbing from the HoD
Left coast Bishops singing Hare Krishna, man you should have seen them kicking Mark Joseph Lawrence's town
I am the UTO-man, they were the UTO-women I am the walrus, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop, C.O.O., C.O.O., C.O.O.-scoop C.O.O. Cooooooooooo scoopa scoopa scoopa scoopa scoopa scoopa scoopa scoopa

Monday, August 19, 2013

The Sweetheart Free

The Huff Post carried the following story recently,
"With precious time remaining before the health care exchanges established by the president’s health care law are up and running, the Obama administration is rolling out new initiatives to encourage enrollment. The latest of these is set to be unveiled on Monday, when the Department of Health and Human Services will debut a video contest — complete with cash prizes — designed to persuade younger consumers to get insurance."
Having recently watched Natalie Wood sing "The Sweetheart Tree" or "There is a Tree in the Forest", I have decided to enter the contest. I have tastefully adapted the lyrics as follows,
They say there's something free in insurance  
Something free that you'll get when you sign 
Come along to the Obamacare dance 
Come and carve your name next to mine  
They say if you kiss up to the right politician  
The one you've been waiting for all this time 
Big bundles of green will burst into sight  
And his love will be yours evermore.
Now if I can only find a girl who looks like Natalie Wood to help me make the video.